Afterthoughts about the Nova conflict: Rave's perspective

I've thought a lot about the events of Nova and how things transpired. About how my opposition, my brethren, and my own actions have affected surrounding people and ourselves. The decisions that were made and the backlashes. Breaking down and understanding the emotions and whys to everything. Trying to put aside my own feelings and beliefs to even further try to make sense and justify the things I'd initially felt offended by and targeted for. Also trying to put aside the bias and see the errors of my brethren. So many more little factors overtime i continue to go over in my head again and again to figure things out to the best of my ability.

After the events calmed down I would find and figure out so many things about my opposition that would make me feel less anger and confusion towards them. This is kind of the whole point of going over this in my head countless times in the first place which is to understand so I can get rid of as much animosity as possible as well as rid myself of negative theories that would pop up in my head. At the beginning I would be hugely disappointed in all those who participated and agreed with everything that transpired against us as well as continuously chose to ignore and not care for anything we had to say but in the end I had realized how I was actually the wrong one for my approaches. I ended up disappointed in myself since I too was unable to communicate properly.

Now I feel like my mind is about as fair as it can be in terms of how I can view this situation so I want to dump my thoughts on here to try to kind of finalize my gatherings. (keep in mind that this is purely from my perspective and I'm only going to break things down as best as I can from my end of the spectrum. This disclaimer is to make sure people know that everything being said will not be labeled as fact but as a collection of opinions of what I believe went down from all angles that i know of.)

I'm going to start things off around where I came into the picture. So sometime after the Spin and Yiffy situation happened I noticed a lot of hostility in the chatroom towards Spin. At some point in Nova I believe Spin was brought up and Link started to express his hatred toward him as usual and such. Since this has been a consistent pattern with many people the atmosphere in Nova was starting to feel very awkward and uncomfortable for me as well as I was starting to worry about the mentality of those individuals. So I decided to confront Chris and address his behavior in a normal conversation. I merely wanted to explain to him how it's very unhealthy for him to be having such strong focus and hatred toward someone so much and also make him realize how he looks and what he is doing to the atmosphere of the chatroom. Chris seemed calm and understanding when we were conversing until Mado randomly came into the chatroom. 

This was where things started to get confusing and weird for me because of how random the situation was for me. Mado immediately lashed out at me and started accusing me of things and talking about how I'm trying to make things worse and do my usual trolling and meming or whatever. Since this was so random and abrupt I barely knew how to really respond to him. All I could really respond with before he continuously slammed me with more of his theories was that he was misunderstanding the situation and that my intentions aren't what he believed them to be but he wasn't having it. To this day this moment will probably still be one of the main frustrating moments for me because I was put on the spot when I was doing completely nothing wrong at the time and was actually attempting to make things better but still....I can understand why it happened. 

I'll have to swallow up my personal views and really think about my current stance in Nova overall. I was a very inconsistent personality in Nova and I was mainly known as a troll and clown. Of course after going through a very emotional event he would be on his highest guard when he would see me and instantly think I was on some kind of bullshit. It's very understandable for him to think this...however that doesn't mean he is justified to this thinking prolonged. He still failed to try and properly understand and communicate with me on my actual intents as well as properly analyze the situation. I understand that he was going through a lot at the time but once things cooled down and such he should have at least tried to gather the right information on the situation. This also is exactly the same when it comes to Talon. Although with Talon he was indeed being an asshole towards Mado which further triggered him and got him banned. I now realize that Mado wasn't banning him because he was doing that chat wrong(even though that's what he believes is the case) but because he couldn't personally take the way Talon addresses him in a rude manner. It was driving him further off the edge and he didn't need that.

During the clash since Mado is on edge and his head is all over the place with this theory crafting, he would ask me all kinds of questions about things that I wasn't involved in but he thought I was. I would of course answer his questions giving my own thoughts to them while also responding back to him each time asking how they related to me. At this point is where a lot of slander on my name would start to rise around Nova. I would soon disappear to train for my upcoming deployment. Throughout all this time I'm away from Nova and I'm strictly on discord for the month since getting on Chatango was a hassle for me to do. Spin had made a group called LunaStorm and I joined there for the month. While Luna was a group made in sequence to the Nova conflict, my own reasonings for being there actually was just because I was friends with Spin initially. In the group we did discuss our negative experience in Nova but that wasn't all the group was made for. Personally I don't feel like it is wrong for us to discuss these things between us since everything we discussed for the most part was about direct events that actually happened. We didn't gossip about people, or at the very least I didn't.

After the month passed I was back home and returned to Nova and things went south so fast. I witnessed people continuing to spread slander on my name, claiming I said this and that, while saying I'm on Spin's side and I'm a traitor ect. ect. This made me furious especially since this sort of thing happened to me so much in Nova. At that point I reached my limit and decided that I didn't want to be in Nova anymore. Despite my reputation as a clown and my inconsistent personality, I don't think I really deserve the random slander that comes over me. The only real reason I can feel justification for the amount of slander is that I always put myself in every situation in Nova so anytime anything happens people tend to think "what's char's role in this?" I highly will never accept why people would just randomly place me in situations that I never even touched.

So I settled myself in Luna and since I was in my feelings, I ranted about Nova. I mainly only questioned why things were happening and barely understood what was transpiring. Spin at the time wanted us to move on from thinking about Nova and such but I couldn't stop so he made #war-hq to move the negative energy away from the main chatroom and away from those irrelevant to the situation. I at some point ended up insulting the people of Nova saying that most of the people there were uninteresting anyways. Somebody relayed that back to Nova and this was when people confirmed their betrayal. They saw how the Luna people(which it was only Spin, Talon, Naid, and myself talking about it) spoke of them and felt attacked and appalled. 

This moment is the only moment where I can 100% confidently confirm that we all were wrong for doing. We allowed our emotions to do a wrong thing and it affected innocent people. This mistake also made things even harder because it made room for more theory crafting against us. For the most part things continued to spread against the people of Luna. Despite nobody being in Luna, Luna was looked down upon and had a bad reputation based on that moment which is honestly fair. Communities always have to take accountability for their member's actions. What transpires within a community will reflect an image no matter if it is a one time situation or such. I can now accept why anyone in Nova would initially have a bad view of Luna, but to keep these prolonged thoughts and continue to spread more slander on the name without checking it out first seems immature to me.

So after calming down I had an awakening of sorts and ended up going down a path of rediscovering my true self. After observing Nova from the shadows and reflecting on myself as a person I realized that I really felt like Nova was not a place I should ever return to anymore since the way the community is goes against how I am as a person. Also since I have been putting targets on my back for many years for my own mental health it would be best to get away from that and stick around people who only wish the best for me. Even though I don't participate in Nova, I still remain in there for various reasons. I would try to make peace and clarify myself and the situation while trying to get Mado and company to realize their wrongs and such. At first i thought this approach would work since I wasn't approaching with hostile intent and had faith that my opposition would try to also reach an understanding and be fair, but nothing ever went the way I expected it to. 

This even further confused me because I thought we would be able to go through and break down the situation and resolve things but instead things just got stuck in the 1st phase and never budged. It also would make things somewhat worse the more we would try to attempt to reason. Things would get twisted to us trying to attack them and us trying to extend the drama and annoy them more. These things were emotionally breaking me further and I just wanted to give up. I would stay up thinking and reflecting as hard as I could to try to understand what I was doing wrong and why am I getting hounded more for trying to make things right. I would eventually realize that I actually was wrong. I was trying to force a resolution. I was antagonizing them even though I wasn't intending to. After realizing I decided to finally conclude the conflict by highlighting how I wronged not only my opposition but also my brethren by continuing this on my own selfish accord. I made my final promise that since we can't resolve things between us, that I would do my best for both sides to never intersect again and we all just move on with our lives.

Honestly the root to all this stems from a long ways before even this. The chain of events that never got resolved and built up to a point where problems are way too complex for the average group of people to be able to figure out anymore. We weren't able to resolve this dilemma not because one side was foolish, but because we have lost trust in one another. Over the years Nova kept building with inconsistencies and sketchy behaviors that nobody could keep up with. People constantly would get backstabbed and some people would rarely take things seriously. The group as a whole was immature and all were fighting for themselves. This is why I can't really be mad at Mado. Do I disagree with how he handles things and his decisions? Absolutely. But I can understand the journey that brought him to where he is. The same for the others who grew up within that environment. I blame myself partially for being one of those who chose to meld Nova into what it is. I was selfish and put others feelings aside just because I wanted my own escape from reality. I feel like I let Mado and Nova down. I steered the direction the chat was supposed to go down and in the end everyone paid for it. I regret my past decisions but I will not dwell on it. All I can do is learn from it and move forward and do better. Hopefully Mado and Nova will also find their own peace and be able to be happy too.

After speaking with Spin and thinking even further about what transpired and how I should feel, I feel as if I've exaggerated my wrongs. I believed that I should feel extreme guilt as well as atone for my past transgressions by doing what I can for Nova from the outside despite all they've done to me. I believed this is what I needed to do in order to feel better about myself and make peace for everyone. Spin made me realize that I was wrong.

Sure I may have played major parts in Nova's negative directional turn, but in the end these people made their own choices and are all supposed to be adults. They should also be aware of what is right and wrong. I was also a victim of the environment myself and I knew what I was doing. I knew that I was wrong. I was aware of majority of my actions. After a long time I finally decided to do the right thing and recover myself back to who I truly am. I learnt and grew from my experiences and everything I did was my choice. This is also the same for them. They have the ability to change for themselves as well. They shouldn't need me to try and make them realize the truth nor how to resolve an issue. They have chosen for themselves how they want to be and what type of environment they wish to stay in. In the end it was their choice. My guilt shouldn't extend much farther from just my own small influence in which they chose to move forward with from then on forward. I attempted to right my wrongs with my own change and they refused and ignored it, which means they preferred how I used to be and accept that more.

I also realized I was doing more than I should've. I was the only one who cared in the end. I took so much time out of my days, wasted a lot of my thoughts, and put my all into trying my hardest to see what I could do for them. I had already knew myself but Spin and others had to continuously repeat and remind me that these people don't care at all. They don't think about me. They don't care enough to check up on me and try to see what can be done to make things better. These people are not my friends. As I mentioned before I was only viewed as a catalyst. I only filled a slot within Nova. I was a tool, a clown. Something to just be utilized for certain moments. They didn't care about me they only cared about what I offered for the chat. I was their clown, their entertainment, their catalyst for when they have nothing else to blame their own problems on. That's all I was to them.

The majority of all else pertaining my feelings toward the situation and my relationship with the Nova community still remains the same. Nova was an environment where people actually did used to enjoy each other and love to do things with each other but overtime things changed. Nova is a different place now and the people are all there for their own agendas and only out for themselves. People only stick with caring for just a select group and fight amongst each other like it's a competition. People are bias and refuse to come to a real resolution and only settle with temporary halts just for things to flair back up again. They select targets and make a demon out of them so they can feel better about themselves and feel righteous. People are too self entitled and refuse to take accountability and only wish to point fingers at others. Nobody wants to grow and only stay in place and cling to the past. 

These are the reasons for why I left. I don't hate the Nova community in fact I still love them to this day but what the environment and people have changed to is not healthy for me. I don't agree with how the community operates anymore. I don't agree with the leaders and their executions of how they "handle issues." My friends and my developments after the passed year has made me realized how much of a positive effect it has been to move on from Nova and I was the last person to truly move on. I grew up with Nova and it served to fill a void in my life for a long time but now I'm in a position in life where Nova is only a hinderance. Not everything is expected to last and I have to be ready to move forward with even the hardest of changes for my own betterment. This situation made me find my true friends out of that group and I'm actually thankful that it happened in a sense.

I only hope that the people currently/in the future that reside in Nova will find happiness on their own. I'm done at this point and should only focus on myself and my life surrounded by people who actually care about me. This will be my absolute final time discussing this topic. Farewell Nova, you are no longer my business.