Catalyst to building trauma/depression

Throughout life I’ve always experienced a lack of mental nurturing within my living environment. As a small child I started out full of life with a social and happy attitude. At some point however was when I started to really see how my own outlooks towards things as well as the concerns of my mental well being didn’t really matter. As I grew i desensitized more and more and became more reserved, internalizing myself because even if I was to try and express myself, I’d only get dismissed.

The only security I felt was when I played my games. The fantasy land where these characters are able to fully express themselves and grow from their journey being free and open. It was very intriguing to me and I highly invested into these types of games. Eventually as well I found my escape through internet chats as well, where I’d find many like minded people in which I can be open without much having to worry about getting shut down.

I would thrive in the communities I’d involve myself in and rly start to see dormant qualities within myself seeing how special I could be to others. I’d advance myself with my games making myself a notable figure. My personality would be expansive and iconic toward any place I touched. These places gave me a sense of validation in my childhood.

In the real world though I would only get prejudgements, dismissals, and no real considerations of my well being on a consistent basis. The main group of people that made me feel any type of special was my best friend and his family as well as my other best friend as well. They were the main things holding me to not killing myself. Especially after losing the one father figure who always was there for me and rooted for me, wanting to show me things about life when I got older.

I was not mentally well at all as a child but I nvr rly realized it that much. How I felt I thought was normal and just me being me. I would have many snapping moments where I’d lose my mind and get out of my character uncontrollably. Eventually I end up taking a psychology class. I would wake up to expand my thoughts toward the human mind and how different people can be. I started to understand a lot of things and I’d calm down a lot because of these realizations. I would make it my vow at that point to study the depths of people and understand how they work.

After graduating I would go to the military. Being away from the environment that kept me at unease my whole life really opened my eyes to what it’s like being away from my family. I felt free and was open to fully express myself in real life. I’d come to learn how amazing I truly am and how adored I can be. For the first time I really start to love and appreciate myself and start to really have goals for myself and things to aspire and go towards. I’ve never felt that great throughout my entire childhood.

Once I returned home I felt like I could do anything. I was motivated and found myself for the first time. It didn’t take long for the negative tolls to spiral back and bring me back down to disparity. Back to questioning my worth and if anything I say or do even matters. Eventually I get so fed up that I start going away from the house for long periods, sometimes days even. My family would see this and try to work out a way to separate us from each other.

My uncle offers to let me stay in my old great grandmother’s house who had passed away. I finally have a space to myself. I’m relieved of majority of the tension of my previous environment. I still have to deal with them on occasion since I’m still under their mercy but at least not in a consistent basis. Also even though I’m under my own space, I was still thrown into a new experience with a huge lack of guidance.

I struggled throughout a year or so trying to figure things out. My military brothers helped me a lot to maintain myself to a degree to where I can provide for myself. Even my internet buddies chipped in and helped me in my desperate needs. Eventually I would start taking more advantage of what is available to me. covid had began and it was the starting point that turned my life around. I began to earn a consistent flow that jumped me out of my struggle phase.

Internetwise I would gradually get colder and less caring about how far I’d go with my dark expression. In the internet I looked at myself as free and invincible. I felt powerful unlike irl where I felt like nothing. I would be oblivious to how much I would affect certain people with my carefree and insensitive behaviors. I’d pride my perspective of things as the true embodiment of justice while also displaying my capabilities of evil. I’d always involve myself in all conflicts that arose just to instill my presence.

However my actions would end up with me getting sucked into many conflicts that weren’t of my own. I’d get blamed for things I wasn’t a part of. Many times people would not want to listen or entertain certain things I would say. I would start to get a reflection of how things are in real life. These things would activate triggers in my brain. I would feel betrayal and be surprised. How was it possible that my escape turned into the same issue I have in real life?

It was then that I had to step back and truly realize what I did to myself. I got too full of myself. I set things up against myself. The person I started out as in the beginning shifted into a monster. I was dissapointed in myself. I lost the main escape that I had. Nobody would want to take me serious anymore. I’ll just be dismissed just like I am in real life but this time it was fully my own fault. I decided that I needed to really reflect and evolve myself as a person and rediscover who I really was.

I started to experience more and more things learning more about my capabilities and new skills and developing more social attributes. I would eventually go to deployment where I’d again shine to the fullest of my character being away from all that was against me. Deployment felt like an entirely new life. Just like when I first joined for training I was able to truly realize the potential of my person.

Even though I had cut myself away from my main internet community, I still had those who stuck by my side as my realest companions who helped me through a lot of struggle moments. Throughout deployment I have excelled in my developments and ended up learning more and getting seen by people I wouldn’t have expected initially. Being a center of attention and having a female group of friends who all adore me platonically(at least I think it was platonic I’m not sure if some secretly liked me) gave me more depths of the kinds of relationships I could muster.

Once again I would leave deployment with new aspirations and goals. A newfound discovery of my capabilities as a person. I felt like I was reaching new heights of evolution. However upon return I’d immediately regress into a powerful depressive state. Being home was just nowhere near like it was on deployment. I drifted away from all the ppl I grew so close to, I was back under all these responsibilities and tensions, I was in a realm of feeling loneliness and worthlessness again.

With my military brother we both fought the powerful depression together. Eventually when he beat it he inspired me of how to try getting through my own. I would start to feel better about myself and build myself back up. I started delving even deeper in my social interactions as well as speak to many different kinds of people. I’d observe lots of different situations amongst people and research about certain social aspects. Continuously updating myself upon my view towards how people operate.

I’d utilize all these things to become more and more well rounded. Throughout life I’d always get praised for how I can resonate upon any environment and offer each with unique experiences to excel from. Older people would tell me how impressed they were for how much wisdom I carried for a young age. I’d always see myself as different compared to my peers. Not to see myself as better than them but as somebody who just sees things entirely different.

From subduing my depressive state for the first time I actually was able to feel happy at home. I was able to branch out and allow my other family to aid me in obtaining a suitable job. I also was able to get into my first serious relationship. I had reached a peak in satisfaction with myself and my life at that point. All I thought to myself was the only way to go was up from there but I was super naive.

Things with my girlfriend drastically started to fall apart and it was affecting me heavily. The instructors of the courses I was taking didn’t care to converse and work with me and decided to just drop me at random. The military was becoming more taxing and less worth being involved in. Everything just randomly started falling apart.

The highlight of events was that I at least got promoted however I got promoted in a period where there’s zero guidance at all. What am I supposed to do when nobody is trying to guide me for success? I’m set up for failure and can only wing being the lead for my soldiers. The quality of the military is only declining and making everybody feel bad about being in. A complete waste of time when I could have a free weekend after a week of work.

From there the main problems at this point the only thing bringing me down was my girlfriend. At times she would do similar things as my family would do. Make me feel inadequate and worthless. Making me feel as if my say in things didn’t matter. This would only get worse and worse between us.

I’d end up questioning my capabilities. Am I really good enough for people? Am I not fit for a relationship? Am I subjected to a life of mediocrity? At the end of the day all I end up realizing is that I only have myself. Once things reached climax toxicity between us we finally cut each other off. But this only happened after I placed my faith and trust in her numerous times. I trusted her with my vulnerability, in her ability to adapt and do what’s healthiest for us, to see me and give me the opportunity to showcase what I can do, to be able to work with me and compromise and grow with each other.

Regardless of my pleas and thorough explanations of healthy manageable methods to maintaining peace and happiness, the choice always resulted in hostility and pride. The choice of complexity, mind games, conjuring, stubbornness, the worse outcomes, and independence. All of these things, even though fully aware of how nothing good comes out of it, she still chose to do it. She would listen to what I’m saying, say it makes sense, then not practice it and blame me for her own actions.

At the end of things I was once again dismissed entirely and discarded for no reason. Not even given any type of chance to say anything or be heard. At this point I’m just noticing that this keeps happening to me all the time. Am I the one at fault? Am I just not a person worth listening to at all? Then I come across another woman who lifted me from my dying hopes of the dating world. She was wonderful and listened to my problems and actually treated me like my situations and feelings matter.

Overtime however I just felt…off. This person is so perfect. I’m so used to people neglecting me. I gravitate toward ppl who push me away. My ex contacted me after a month and my soul was telling me “go back”. My logical brain was telling me that I would be stupid to do that. This woman is everything I ever wanted in a companion. Why would I risk myself for somebody that doesn’t learn? Who only fails me every time I place faith in her.

My mind struggled through this and my girlfriend at the time even told me how stupid I was thinking. Reminding me how she hurts me and isn’t mature or ready. I tell her she’s right but eventually I cave and call it off. I sit at home wondering if I’m stupid or maybe my intuition is leading me to what I really want. I decide to go back talking to my ex. We started rekindling and things seemed promising.

After 2 weeks we planned a trip together and we got in an unfortunate wreck. At the moment she feared for me and cared for me since I had a lot of damage from it. I was sure after that she really cared and was going to put effort into us maintaining things. However once we returned home things shifted immediately. All of a sudden she stopped contacting me much and was very critical and cold towards me. I’m trying to be understanding because she just lost her vehicle and is going through a lot.

After a couple weeks I try to see what’s going on with us. She starts pretending that she just wanted to be friends and says the incident must have been a sign. I’m confused because why would somebody’s feelings shift so drastically over something that wasn’t either of our faults? My head isn’t thinking straight at the time so I just give her the benefit of the doubt and just act like whatever it is what it is.

Overtime she’s staying finicky still and I’m deciding not to rly try engaging with her bc she’s being weird. We have a final talk where it ends up with us cutting each other off the same exact way as last time. With her ending things off treating me like some incompetent person. At this point I again realize that I was discarded for no reason with no chance of working things out. I was discarded with no consideration upon my own situation.

Everything was only about her and how she saw me during my recovering stages was of that of an incompetent person. She didn’t care that I’m thrown off due to my head injury. She didn’t care about getting clarifications on how I was handling things on my end. All that mattered was what she assumed and what she was seeing and she only saw me as a complete liability. Not as somebody she loved and would work with. “Through sickness and in health”.

I was only seen as somebody who could benefit her and nothing more. Not somebody she genuinely cared for and would grow with. Not somebody who could be by my side during my times of weakness. Not somebody to compromise and reach middle grounds. Our relationship was only run through selfish desires.

I also start to really see a pattern of social dynamics based upon my associations with tons of different people and through my experiences through the relationship. Majority of people follow the principle of pride over logic. Independence over camaraderie. Selfishness over selflessness. My experience isn’t unique to me, it’s a norm for how people treat each other.

It’s because of this norm that breaks everyone down. My entire life has been surrounded by people who follow this type of mindset. This type of thing that has put me through tons of trauma and mental downfalls throughout life. Because of how the system encourages this type of behavior is one of the soul reasons minorities will stay minorities. We choose to break each other down and scream independence when that is the exact opposite of how humans are supposed to work.

Nobody cares for other’s perspectives unless you blindly follow them to the T. Nobody wants to branch and truly grow as a diverse individual. We encourage everybody to do everything alone and you’re better off alone and such but that isn’t true because we are social creatures. We are at our happiest when we have people involved in our lives. We get the most progress when we work with others. We learn the most from different people.

This age of society is cursed and as long as people at wide trust and practice this flawed ideology more and more people will fall victim to the backlash. People are too negative and strive for only chaos rather than seeking resolution and peace. Compromise is nonexistent in the modern age. Problems will never be solved and will only remain stagnant or get worse. Unless people start to wake up and spread true positivity and teaching the merits of compromise and how it can benefit them everyone will just continue to suffer indefinitely.