What is life? My feelings and my experiences

Recently I've went through a mentally tearing event and it really made me think about what life really is. What are people and why is it that the cycle of life has to go through this rinse and repeat of ups and downs. Why is it that I can't just formulate my life to where i keep a steady up? Through everything I've gone through with people, I'm always at a state of disappointment. The more I look at the reality of things the more I understand that life is just an event of eternal suffering. No matter how things go you always fall back to a level of depression. Emotions always change. How you feel always change. Your mood, attitude, approaches, mentalities, ect. always are changing but the one thing that never leaves is depression. Coming to terms and accepting the reality of what life really is. You can have people that really love you and always have your back but that doesn't matter because at the end of the day you'll still have that depression. Everybody has it but they just don't know it. Some are living such "happy" lives that their depression is dormant. People with lives that are mostly going their way just have the reality of things buried until the very moment it strikes them that things aren't as good as they think it is.

You can think somebody loves you but at any random occurrence it can change. You start to question if those people really love you or not. Life is really about selfishness and the moment you don't fit their criteria the love starts to leave. They will not love you anymore. Love is a checklist of selfish desires within themselves. Nobody can ever love you always. The contradictory factor of this is how humans are inherently interactive and supportive creatures. We live for others and to help each other and build each other up but at the same time supposed to love oneself and look out for ourselves. The contradictory thing about these concepts is that we are meant to be both selfish and selfless and those terms conflict with one another. If you do one you suffer in the other. You can try to balance it but even then balancing it is hurtful towards yourself. So no matter how you approach life you are always losing. This is how the endless cycle of ups and downs operate.

This confusion drives people into madness and this is how depression is formed. We are also built to be problem solvers yet this is a problem that can never be solved. You can try to find the root to the problem and think you've found it but it's only the best outcome that can keep you stable until it breaks again. We try to fool ourselves by thinking we found the answer to our depressive states but all we are doing is suppressing it. In life there is no answer to depression it's impossible to cure. We have to live our lives in eternal suffering and that's the true reality of life. I thought I finally had everything set up to keep me happy but as soon as something went wrong I fell right back to where I was before. It made me realize that it was only temporary and anything I do in the future to make me "happy" again will also just be temporary. 

Nobody is your savior not even your own self. Everybody is an enemy in some shape or form and you are your worse enemy. You can't help that you are your worse enemy because it is etched into your soul. There's no possible way for you to avoid it. Depression makes you believe that killing yourself is the answer but even that can't be it. Depending on how the afterlife goes you will still harbor it. If you are a wandering spirit you have to live with the regret for eternity. You put your loved ones in a bad position and push them into a state of depression. You end up missing out on the possibilities that you could have experienced while living. If you're in hell you suffer even more. If you somehow end up in heaven you have to face god and other spirits with this decision. There is no way to stop suffering, you can only endure and try to ignore the pain, the reality. That is the best you can ever do in life.

I went through life undergoing this cycle always being aware. My family only mainly gave me pain mentally. My closest people have all hurt me continuously in some form or fashion. I tried living a life of kindness, putting others above myself and going out of my way for people. I knew I would hurt but I only cared about making sure I can ease the minds of others so they can continue to mask the truth of reality. I get taken advantage of and know I am getting taken advantage of just to please those people. I do this knowing that regardless of if I play it smart to my own advantage I'd still end up with the same outcome but they don't know their own outcomes. They don't know that even if I'm doing my part to make them happy, they will still fall back in that cycle of their own depression at some point regardless. My selflessness is also my selfishness. I feel good that I'm benefiting another but I am also hurting myself in the process. Whether I do good or not I'll still hurt regardless and at this point I really don't care. I don't know what to even do anymore. I'm stuck in this everlasting problem that I can never solve and it brings great sadness and frustration. 

I thought I found somebody who would stand by my side and keep me happy but even that person turned on me due to their own selfish desires not being met. Their own checklist not meeting the criteria. There is no such thing is a perfect checklist in life. Everybody will always be disappointed and their checklist will never be fulfilled. We don't even know what our checklist fully consist of in the first place and it doesn't matter if we even knew it. We will always keep a void within ourselves that will never fill. This is how I see life and there's no possible way to ever just be happy. There's no possible way to ever to feel truly loved and fulfilled. We all live in a life of everlasting contradictions and conflict. An eternal war that will never end.