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LunaLair
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Rave
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Posts : 34
Join date : 2021-08-24
Age : 27
Location : Louisiana
https://lunalair.yoo7.com

My Reality.... Empty My Reality....

Tue Mar 15, 2022 11:08 pm
I need a break from everything....and I'm just going to lay out everything on the table right here and now in full detail with how life currently is just not it. My whole life it just seemed like everything was against me and nothing ever goes completely right. Sure I'm extremely lucky and grateful for where I'm currently at but I feel like I'm where I'm at due to the mercy of the world. I feel so alone in this world. I always seem to do so much for other people but I never get that reflected back to me. My whole childhood has been me feeling worthless and people never making much effort to truly make me shine or feel like I'm of value. I've only ever had one person to truly make me feel like I matter but even that person at this day and age seems to not really need me anymore. I'm always pre judged as somebody who isn't worth entertaining and often looked at as if I'm not even there.

I never feel that important to anyone. My grandma used to steadily make sure I was around before she got married, then my presence didn't matter as much anymore because she had somebody to be with her. My best friend and I used to call each other and text each other and hangout all the time growing up but as we grew up we steadily gained more responsibilities as well as him getting a fiancé and branched from that saga. Of course these people are people I know indefinitely love me and cherish my existence, however I feel like my role with them is changed and if i was to disappear they would be able to live life fine without me. My phone stays so dry. I'm so used to being alone I don't know how to keep up with people because people rarely even keep up with me. If i never texted or called ppl I would probably never rly hear from majority of people. Whenever people do contact me I just expect them to want something from me. Whenever family contacts me I somewhat tremble because I'm expecting that some bullshit is about to come my way.

I don't have people that contact me to check up on me and make sure I'm ok or see how I'm doing. I might get that once in the blue moon but i feel like people more so do that on a whim rather than truly care about my well being. Everyone I associate with seems to have people that love them and check on them often and chat with them throughout the day but I don't have that. I'm so conditioned to loneliness that I get disturbed when i come across the rare person that wants to texts me throughout the day. My anxiety is so high due to the fact that I go through so much of people taking advantage of me. The people who usually show me the most attention usually ends up backstabbing me at some point. It always seems to happen and the experience with that person ends up being a huge waste of time. Do I learn from it? Sure but it never stops. To this day it keeps happening. I invest in somebody so much and they eventually just brush me aside and make me feel like a nobody. 

There are other people who are deeply depressed and dealing with similar things. I can't know what they are feeling and going through exactly because I'm not them but the fact that some of these people still consider suicide is crazy to me. This might seem insensitive and it probably is but at least these people have tons of people who actually pay attention to them and check on them. This day and age more people are starting to take acknowledgement to me as a person and like being around me but it's only temporary. As a child I had completely nobody except one but these days even though I'm out more and experiencing different people and making more connections it feels like i have less. At the end of the day I always return home alone. What if I was suicidal? Who would randomly come to my rescue if I was to try to harm myself? Nobody would know a thing. 

Throughout my life I've always put on a strong front. i always seem like I'm good and ok. I never show people signs that I'm depressed. In real life people would never guess I'm really mentally going through a lot. I'm a very good actor and good at hiding it. I don't like showing weakness and allowing other people to know i have a problem. Especially I keep this from my best friend because I don't want him to worry about me. I feel like I would be a burden to people and a waste of time. Every now and then I'd slip but people wouldn't notice the signs really. They might send a text and be like "you good?" but I'd reply yeah or I'll make it and they'd just go about their day. Nobody randomly pulls up on me. I'm not really an important asset to anyone. I garantee if i was to randomly kill myself right now Nobody would know I was dead in the house for at least a few weeks to a month. Hell maybe even more than that.

Even society overall it just seems like it's against me. This day and age is so leaned on women, gays, and trans people. I don't care what anyone says and these statistics don't mean a thing because it's so linear based. Not only as an individual I have to deal with the mental stress of loneliness and worthlessness, I also have to fear any move i make in the world. Straight males have to live in fear of the backlash of modern society. Women get so catered these days because people automatically jump to their side of situations which jeopardizes the livelihoods of good men. Nobody really cares when men get abused and harassed and often aren't taken seriously when it does happen. I've had to stomach so much shit from women throughout my time due to how modern day society has hyped up women. Both internet and in real life I have to deal with it. Multiple people including myself getting attacked for no reason mentally scarring us and scared because of the potential aftereffects of what they do. Even after proving innocence nothing ever seems to happen to the woman and she goes about her life as normal getting treated as a queen while the man is left mentally scarred and ties getting cut due to the facts getting twisted. 

I tried my best i really did to go out and experience the world and things to further validate my existence but at the day it always ends the same with me being left alone. I'm not suicidal but I'm starting to accept my fate that maybe I'm meant to just be alone. All my efforts for people, all my attempts to make strong bonds with people, always ends up with me trying too hard to do things for people and being as kind as I can be. Trying my best to do the best I can but I'm just left in the dust. Used, taken advantage of, seen as just some side piece or a ghost. So I'm just going to just be to myself completely for now and see how that goes since that's how my life essentially always has been like. To those who truly do care for me I know who you are and appreciate you but This is my reality. I'm nobody's necessity and not really worth it to anyone. Thank you everyone who has supported me and goodbye for now.
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