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Posts : 29
Join date : 2021-08-24
Age : 26
Location : Louisiana
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My Problem Empty My Problem

Wed Jan 12, 2022 10:52 pm
I have to admit to something....I have a problem. I have a mental scar within myself that will likely follow me for a very long time at least. One thing about me is that I'm actually a very emotional and caring person. I always strive to do my best and think of the best solutions when it comes to different people and situations. When I'm put in situations where people struggle I have no choice but to care. When I see something offputting and wrong I am highly gravitated to try and do something about it. These qualities are the reasons I put myself at risk and stand in the middle of many situations that shouldn't even pertain to me. So why am I telling you this? Let me explain.

So because of a fallout between me and a community last year, it has really impacted me immensely. Ever since the situation happened I just can't stop thinking about it. Even though I've moved on in life and settled with a group of people online that actually are healthy for me as well as doing well for myself in real life experiencing a steady increase of quality, I still struggle with being able to just drop this situation from my head. I find myself every day in my free time thinking further about everything that went down. About what I did wrong, what they did wrong, how i could have handled it better, self reflecting, realizing many things, ect. At this point I've sure I've broken down just about majority of my past experiences in Nova down within my head and continue to keep cycling through the scenarios to this day. 

When it comes to every situation I always try to make sense of it. I always try to break down things and show great care and consideration for everyone who's involved. The reason this moment in particular is so drastic is because despite all the care I put into this community, I got slapped in the face and shunned with no attempt to even try to resolve matters with me. I put so much effort in people that don't even care and it's a weird feeling. The feeling is like a traumatic moment for me because of the realization of all the years of torment basically hitting me all at once. In addition of some people I thought were the closest to me basically ended up betraying me as a friend. In fact it's hard to tell if they even ever seen me as a friend in the first place. All these people have ever done pertaining to me is try to bring me down in some way just to make themselves feel better with no remorse. So basically I was used by these people who I felt were friends and they don't even care to consider my own feelings and hurt yet for some strange reason I always cared for theirs and tried to do my best to adjust myself for them even though I had my own mental struggles with them.

I'm not entirely sure if this is an unhealthy development for me or not since it doesn't effect my day to day life and I'm mainly still happy in life but I do feel like it might be weird. My other friends who experienced the moment with me have long since stopped thinking about the past endeavors as much which triggers the question of why do I think about this so consistently? It makes me feel like I have a mental scarr and every time anybody else mentions Nova and somebody within it, it triggers a panic or tension within my body. This is something I don't know how to solve and hopefully my brain will be able to conclude these thoughts eventually. 
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