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Rave
Rave
Admin
Posts : 34
Join date : 2021-08-24
Age : 27
Location : Louisiana
https://lunalair.yoo7.com

About me: Rave Empty About me: Rave

Thu Sep 16, 2021 2:31 am
Hi everyone. For those of you that don't know already I am Rave, administrator of LunaLair. I just kind of felt like laying out things about me. My journey and changes over time to where I am today. I'm doing this so people can better understand who I am as a person and what I'm about. My own struggles and faults as well as my strengths and beliefs and such. 



The Beginning



When I was born it didn't take long for my mother to die soon after. Also wasn't accompanied with a father. I was under foster care for a short while until my great grandma picked me up and took me under her care for awhile. Then soon after that my grandma would take me under her care since my great grandma was too old to raise another child. I was a chaotic infant. My grandma(in which at this point I call my mom) assumes it's due to how the foster people treated me that I was so chaotic but who knows. In the beginning stages of elementary I continued to be such an evil child. I was very hostile toward the teacher and they would call my mom very often to deal with me or something. Strangely enough once I transitioned to first grade I kind of just drastically changed in an instant. I went from chaotic to a polite and quiet young man. From then on forward I was pretty likable and just did normal school kid stuff. I think I changed so drastically because I had obtained my first game system in which helped ease my mind or something.



My main family in which I lived with consisted of my mom and cousin. I also have my uncle and great grandma in who live separately. Mainly though I also had a really great father figure in my early years who taught me the value of noticing the outside world and various other things. I didn't get to spend too much time with him before we were separated due to my mom disapproving of him. Around this time as well is where things started to get complicated with my relationship with my mom and uncle. Upon any sort of issue things would always escalate to an unreasonable level due to them refusing to pay attention and listen to me since I'm just a child to them. Because of the consistency I would begin to shut myself away to myself and just stick to the cycle of wake up, go to school, come home, and play my games daily. 



Aside from that I also had my best friend in which without him I'm pretty sure I'd have serious depression issues. He was a main factor to breaking my cycle and was a driving force for me to actually continue going outside and visiting his house and his family. His family welcomed me and treated me like I was their own. They were very uplifting and I always tried going there whenever I could. I never liked the idea of asking my mom for things so I always had my own goal to get my own things. My best friend however always would just give me his leftover game systems and such which saved me a lot of trouble. 



Time passes and for the most part all I mainly focus on is the same things: school and games. As a kid my only thoughts was if I was doing good in school what else really mattered? I was never really naturally adventurous to do any type of other activities or try attending things since after school I just look forward to my games. I was always an observer. I paid attention to the things around me and always tried to make sense of everything going on. I was a quiet child that didn't care for interaction but I wasn't anti social. My interactions for the most part always would lead with someone approaching me, I rarely ever approached anyone unless I'm close to them. I treated people kindly and friendly and was playful if I had the energy for it. For me school was a social ground in itself where it was my opportunity to socialize before I completely shut myself off back at home.



The birth of Charizardf1



Finally high school is here and on my freshmen year is where I start having more developments. Mom finally got a desktop computer setup at home and I automatically gravitated toward it. The first thing I did was search up a pokemon chatroom so I could find more relatable people to play pokemon with since I only ever had my best friend and nobody else really to play with. I found this weird chat site called vgchat and joined it. I was there to only battle people but eventually a guy named Joe private messaged me offering me to join him in his chatango site. I was like oh ok and just joined. The transition from vgchat to chatango was an amazing sight to me. Chatango looked like the best thing in the world to me at that moment and I was sold. I was so excited that I texted my best friend and got him to join it too. 



From then on I was online more than just for pokemon I had a group of online friends that I just liked being around. For a long time I was just being a happy kid that enjoyed growing and learning about pokemon with my group. Eventually however I would discover that there were more chatango sites and I was curious to explore. Joe warned me about how I probably shouldn't venture out but I ignored him. I went to WPE in search of a guy that kicked my ass in smash and wanted to play him again but he wasn't there. I decided to stay anyways because I was able to quickly gain new friends there. For the most part I was oblivious to what was going on in that place and just focused on doing the things that made me happy. Eventually I then got picked up by this guy named Jolt who introduced me to the forums. 



I joined his forum community and also saw other forum communities that corresponded. I didn't really speak in the other places but I sort of watched and thought it was cool how there was just a string of pokemon forum communities that sort of competed against each other. I would often go with Jolt on his forum leader meetings where they would discuss whatever tfuk they were doing. Jolt then announced at some point that he was retiring and focusing on his life or something and left. Still being in WPE the people would consistently mention this guy named Mado. After the owner of WPE made a new WPE site my first thought was like "Hey let me message that Mado person so he can be involved." So after messaging him and getting acquainted with him we sort of kicked off our friendship on the spot. At some point I would bring him back to Youtopia(the first chatango site with Joe) and we ended up having a mutual respect and bond with each other and giving each other the sensei and pupil title. 



Eventually I have a fight with Joe due to having a chain of disagreements and decided that I wanted to leave for the time being. I decided to make my own forum with Mado called Pwnchar. It didn't last very long since after I made up with Joe I sort of ignored doing much else with it at the time and just focused on sticking with Youtopia. After some time I get notified that Mado had made his own forum and chat called Novastorm and decided to join it since he was a cherished friend at the time.



The Legacy of NovaStorm



After joining NovaStorm it didn't take long to immerse myself with the group. The environment had a similar cozy feel to Youtopia for me and felt like another good place to settle myself. For a time it started out with everyone just enjoying pokemon until different groups of people started appearing. This is when the internet life for me began to shift somewhat. Now instead of just focusing on games and fun there was actual drama occurring. It took awhile for me to notice the difference between how chill and simple Youtopia was compared to what Nova was turning into. Regardless though I didn't care because at the end of the day we all still played pokemon and had fun not really baring any grudges. I also didn't realize how slowly I was beginning to change. My usual oblivious nature was shifting into a more alert one. Just like in real life I began observe and pay attention to more things and started to invest myself in more than just the gaming. Because I valued a lot of the relationships I forged I would try to defend people, meme with people, and poke fun at things here and there. 



Nova would have whole arcs dedicated to dramas where I would passionately involve myself since these were basically like main events in my life. I decided to invest myself and time with the internet instead of real life since nothing is really going on in real life. These moments were very entertaining for me and brought a strange sense of purpose to me. I felt like every moment involving with Nova I had to be there and be involved. At this point the newborn Charizardf1 was gone. The oblivious pure kid was now more than just some happy gamer, he was now an influencer. I approached every situation with a strong sense of justice and tried to do the best I could for the Novians. However there would be times where I would get involved in situations where I would end up lowkey trolling some people. Some people disliked how I was while others admired it. After graduating I would announce I would be leaving to train to become an army person.



What happened in real life?



During the entirety of my internet journey in high school not really a lot went down in my actual life. I just mainly did my usual daily cycle, living like a program set to run on repeat. This especially held true after my father figure died, who was the main person who had the potential to develop me further as a person. I literally just stayed to myself and shut myself off to the world and relied on the internet for my entertainment and self development. My relationship between my mom, uncle and I went south further and further due to how poorly we all knew how to handle each other. I started to have a much more open mind about things after taking a psychology class which also had helped my depression due to understanding more about how people work.



The Army



During my time away from home the army had really began to transform me as a person. I started to truly learn about myself and my potential socially. I also had felt the feeling of no tension for the first time in my life. I was truly happy and was exploring so many things. This also made me realize how much I needed to catch up in terms of experience as a person. Everyone around me was so much better than me and I felt like a child in comparison. I worked hard to make the bare minimum so I wouldn't get recycled. After 6 months away it was time for me to go home. I was really extremely sad and already predicted that once I get home I won't have the same feeling of relief anymore. All my relationships and bonds I made with the people I trained with are about to disappear and I have to go back to my regular life. Even so I at least had a better resolve that I had the power to at least make a better life for me at home.



Back Home



I returned back home and everything seems fine so far in terms of real life. I returned to having my first car I'm able to drive, I am in college, and so far my mom and uncle aren't really bothering me yet. Still though my personality went right back to the backseat and I did my usual cycle of events. Go to college, come home and get on the internet. Even at college where there's so many different things to do, my brain didn't really care to process to try and do other things since my whole life up to this point I'm conditioned to this cycle and don't really know how to extend and apply myself. Eventually the inevitable happens and once again Mom and uncle continue to slander me and crush my spirits. All the development from the 6 months away sort of just fades away.



One thing that hasn't faded away was my natural work ethic. How I was conditioned my whole life coincidently enough actually fits the bill of an army soldier almost perfectly. My unit I was assigned to gave me a new sense of purpose. Just within 2 weeks being in my unit I was awarded best soldier of the year. I was already known within the whole battalion. I also made solid army friends who saw how hopeless and inexperienced I was as a person and decided to take me in and mentor me on how to function as a normal person. The army became something I looked forward to working with at any chance I got in order to get away from my family and help clear my head. 



Returning to NovaStorm



When I returned to Nova I expected to come back to the people I left but was hugely disappointed. A lot of the main people I associated with was gone and there were new people who I felt at the time only made the environment worse. This disappointment changed how I approached Nova entirely. I began to start my huge decline and started trolling and clowning. I did this because I didn't really know how else to really handle this new era of Nova. I started to get fed up with certain things that just didn't fit with me. I eventually even started bullying a certain person and was actually enjoying it. I started to have a very inconsistent sense of duty and it confused people greatly. Most people just ended up just labeling me as a clown and decided to not really take much I say that seriously so I stuck to that persona. As time went by I got more and more into this persona and it eventually was embedded into my personality. I didn't really know how to turn it off once I got to the keyboard and logged into NovaStorm. 



It got even worse once I met this person named Tam. She was one of my biggest influences because I was basically trapped at this point. The way she viewed me was ridiculous however people would still entertain and believe her despite me giving my own perspective. Initially it would infuriate me but then I started to give up and embrace the slander. I gave up and allowed to stir the confusion further about me even more by taking on this evil persona as her eternal rival. At this point I'm sure nobody even can tell what I am anymore and just trust whatever they want to believe above all else. I would continue to be a mix of upset about this, having fun with this, and straight up being lost about the direction of things. I couldn't understand how to tackle this as I put myself in this trap and dug it deeper and deeper. 



Still throughout all this I still had the same mix of some that disliked these things about me and some that admired it. I was in a weird position where this environment actually allowed me to go this far being like this. People accepted this is how I was and a lot of people actually at the end of the day didn't really mind how "dark" I was getting since I was just a clown and somebody to laugh at. I was consistently used as a catalyst when people were upset about something or was involved in a conflict even if I had completely nothing to do with it. This again I guess is kind of fair because I dedicated myself to usually being the center of everything. I wanted to be a part of everything and give my thoughts and give my own suggestions and such. So of course that would mean the community would automatically want to place me somewhere in each conflict. If people didn't know who was the problem it was easier to just say "hey char did it." 



The Split



At some point I finally made a realization that Nova was actually not healthy for me anymore. Me being in Nova was no longer doing me any favors and was only bringing me down. I didn't like how people looked at me anymore. I didn't like how people treated me anymore. I didn't like the continuous slander and people not even caring enough to listen to me anymore. The only thing was that I didn't know how to leave. I basically grew up in Nova. I invested my childhood and time into Nova. How can I simply just throw that away even if I'm in a position where I'm easily able to? How can I not involve myself with these people anymore? This wasn't something I would be able to easily do alone so I stayed and suffered under my pathetic status.

The time finally came where I finally am reaching my limit. I come into a situation showing concern only for it to somehow be misinterpreted into me trying to clown around or start trouble. I was lashed at and attacked by somebody I wouldn't think would do that when there was literally nothing I was doing at the time. Has my status gone so far down that me just moving my arm means I'm trying to hit somebody? This was enough of a red flag to make me take a break. I stayed at the newly made LunaStorm chat in discord while training for my upcoming deployment for a month. Throughout the entirety I face yet again more piles a claims on my name upon a situation I am completely not a part of. At this point I have reached my absolute limit.

I decide to not come back to Nova from my break and at this point I've had enough. My emotions overcame me and I decided to rant about Nova. A lot of innocent people I had mentioned was in the crossfire upon my rant. Afterwards I had regretted targeting those who were innocent with my words and somewhat even those who actually deserved it. I took full accountability and apologized, realizing that I had placed a scar between me and many people's relationships. 

Afterwards it was official that I could not come back at all. Luckily the main people who I've always respected and associate with are grouped up in Luna with their own set of problems they have towards Nova so I was not alone. Due to Spin's efforts I was able to escape and free myself from yet another tension.

Death of Charizardf1, Rebirth to Raven


I decided to abandon the name of Charizardf1 since I have stained it far enough. Charizardf1 wasn't meant to become this person and be put in this position. He was supposed to be that boy who just wanted to play games happily with his friends. So I took the name of Raven, the shadow warrior who has grown from his hardships and moves forward with a new revised resolve who has reflected on his past self and realizes who he truly is yet again. This is who I really am. No longer a fake who copes by faking as some cringe villain. 

From reflection I realized so many things and continue to learn more and more. I feel like after so long I'm actually advancing instead of standing still. I also realize more about how much I'm truly responsible for and what I should atone for. The way I was in Nova as an influencer had a negative impact on everyone there. My examples and what I tried to spread. What some of the people admired me for and liked. It was all bad and I helped aid the negative environment nova possesses. I aided Mado to the path he chooses onward. I was an obstacle that lead him to be pragmatic and drop his ideals. So it's only right that I now stand in the shadows waiting for the opportunity to do my part for both Luna and Nova from the shadows. Since there's currently no hope for resolution, the raven can only watch and make sure that they both don't clash anymore. This was the last promise made to Mado in atonement.

Now I am at peace with those who truly wish the best of me and I am very thankful to them all. I'll continue to move forward as my true self from here on out and do my best for not only them but for anybody in the world I come across.

Wait....What about in real life? Part2


Throughout all these events there was some notable developments. Things went downhill for me pretty quickly with the family being their usually selves and unfortunate events that lead me to not being able to continue college. Then reaching my limit and living in my PT cruiser for a bit only for it to completely quit and being forced to stay miserable at home. But uncle eventually finally let me stay in his house that used to be great grandma's which was another huge relief of tension. I could finally truly relax and just do my own thing living as an adult. However I still struggled to make it since I was only able to borderline make it in the house with my current earnings but that didn't really matter to me too much. 

I kind of basically wasted a bunch of years doing completely nothing (outside of the army stuff of course) which was both a nice and bad thing. I continued to somewhat feel a sense of worthlessness because it was so hard to get even a simple job that was literally across the street from my house like what the fuck is wrong with the modern hiring process..... 

However once covid became a thing I started makin serious bank and everything started goin fabulous and I started becoming a player and then realized that it's overrated and I actually don't like it. Now I followed up into deployment where now I'm trying to prepare to become an IT guy which hopefully works out or else hehe back to square one.....

Conclusion

And that's all about me in the most condensed version I can make it. If there's certain parts where you want more information you can just ask me directly and I'll just explain it or something. Thank you for those who took the time to get to know me and my journey. 
punkapunk
punkapunk
Posts : 6
Join date : 2021-08-25
Location : Las Vegas

About me: Rave Empty Re: About me: Rave

Thu Sep 16, 2021 3:19 am
I knew a lot about you before but I enjoyed learning little details you shared & how you intend to move forward in life as well as how you view what's happened in the past.

It really is the most powerful thing in the world to be able to reflect on the kind of person you are & how you influence others. I might make a little autobiography much like this.

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